So Here it Goes

So here I sit at 2:41am on Friday April 29th, 2011 in my bathrobe writing. I just woke up and had the thought that I need to write a blog about how I am feeling towards my body, weight loss and my desire for a better life. Not a better life in the terms of bigger house or new car, but a better healthier more active me. I want to feel beautiful and have the energy to do what I want especially with my kids. Lately I have felt extremely sluggish and I lack pure motivation to do just about anything. I feel exhausted when I wake up and would love to just lay down all day long.

But what is really bothering me is why can't I stop eating. Two days ago Daryl said to me in his I've just had an aha moment voice, "Do you know why we are fat?" To which I wanted to say, "Could it be all the Easter candy I just ate?" Instead I just asked why. Daryl said, "It's because we are lazy bums and we don't choose to be skinny."

He followed that up with explaining that every choice we make has led us to this point. I really didn't want to say just how right he was but continue with the Easter candy. Then I start to think why do I buy Easter candy? Why do I buy the good candy that I love? Why can't I stop eating it. I know I don't feel good when I eat that stuff. Oh but I do for a moment. And then I feel guilty and then I eat more because what's the point, and the cycle continues.

So here is the question of the day "Why can't I stop eating the stuff that makes me feel so bad?" Why don't I love myself enough to stop sneaking chocolate chips?

I really don't know the answer. What I do know is that I sabotage myself all the time. Whenever I am successful I let something (mostly myself) get in the way. Last summer I did the HCG diet. I lost a ton of weight and was down to 185lbs and feeling GREAT! I kept that weight off for quite a while. But one incredibly stressful event and I seemed to have lost my healthy eating mind.

Then Daryl and I started doing South Beach in February, I was doing great, I lost 9lbs and then I started sneaking chocolate chips and other treats whenever I could. Maybe this is why I need to write this blog, I need to really be honest with myself.

Last night I made my family this awesome meal of baked tilapia, steamed asparagus and cauliflower. Then I went to Johnny Carinos and ate their bread, and I ordered a panini which I thankfully only ate a third of, I really didn't like it. I had some bites of everyone else's desserts and now to be honest my stomach is so sick that I think that is why I am awake. I honestly wish I could throw up so that I could get rid of how my stomach feels. The point is I didn't love myself enough to take care of me. Why?

I wish I knew the answer....